The Mammoth Book of Awesome Comic Fantasy
THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF
Awesome
Comic Fantasy
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THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF
Awesome
Comic Fantasy
Edited by Mike Ashley
ROBINSON
London
Constable & Robinson Ltd.
55–56 Russell Square
London WC1B 4HP
www.constablerobinson.com
First published in the UK by Robinson,
an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd 2001
Copyright and editorial material copyright © Mike Ashley 2001
All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in
Publication Data is available from the British Library.
ISBN 1–84119–080–2
eISBN: 978–1–4721–1493–8
Printed and bound in the EU
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
Cover design by Pete Rozycki
CONTENTS
Copyright and Acknowledgments
ANOTHER INTRODUCTION Mike Ashley
ATTACK OF THE CHARLIE CHAPLINS Garry Kilworth
MOTHER DUCK STRIKES AGAIN Craig Shaw Gardner
THE BLACKBIRD Jack Sharkey
PALE ASSASSIN James Bibby
THE STRAWHOUSE PAVILION Ron Goulart
A BEVY OF BEASTS
DRAGONET Esther Friesner
THE DIPLODOCUS Porter Emerson Browne
NOTHING IN THE RULES Nelson Bond
BAD DAY ON MOUNT OLYMPUS Marilyn Todd
A BUNCH OF FIENDS
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY? Craig Shaw Gardner
THE DEVIL TIMES THREE Fredric Brown
FAIR-WEATHER FIEND John Morressy
A PAIR OF ODDITIES
THE BYRDS Michael Coney
POLLY PUT THE MOCKERS ON Stan Nicholls
A TROVE OF OLDIES
FERDIE F. Anstey
THE QUEEN’S TRIPLETS Israel Zangwill
CRISPIN THE TURNSPIT Anthony Armstrong
A HALO OF ANGELS
TOUCHED BY A SALESMAN Tom Holt
MATH TAKES A HOLIDAY Paul Di Filippo
BROADWAY BARBARIAN Cherith Baldry
THE WINDS OF FATE Tony Rath
NOT OURS TO SEE David Langford
THE CALIBER OF THE SWORD Larry Lawrence
A RECURSION OF FAIRY TALES
GUNSEL AND GRETEL Esther Friesner
FROG Tina Rath
THE SWORDS AND THE STONES E.K. Grant
A TOUCH OF THE IMPOSSIBLES
A CASE OF FOUR FINGERS John Grant
THE ABSOLUTE AND UTTER IMPOSSIBILITY OF THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE VANISHING OF HENNING VOK Jack Adrian
MILORD SIR SMIHT, THE ENGLISH WIZARD Avram Davidson
“PUT BACK THAT UNIVERSE!” F. Gwynplaine MacIntyre
YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE Scott Edelman
COPYRIGHT AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My thanks to Alan Ashdown, Judith Higgins and Dennis Lien for helping me with copies of some of the stories. My thanks also to all of the contributors (well, the living ones) for their help, encouragement and, oh yes, the stories. All of the stories are copyright in the name of the individual authors as follows. Every effort has been made to trace the holders of copyright. In the event of any inadvertent transgression of copyright the editor would like to hear from the author or their representative via the publisher.
“The Absolute and Utter Impossibility of the Facts in the Case of the Vanishing of Henning Vok” © 1991 by Jack Adrian. First published in New Crimes 3 edited by Maxim Jakubowski (London: Robinson Books, 1991). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Ferdie” by F. Anstey. First published in The Strand Magazine, December 1907. Copyright expired in 1985.
“Crispin the Turnspit” © 1930 by Anthony Armstrong. First published in Pearson’s Magazine, December 1930. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Broadway Barbarian” © 2001 by Cherith Baldry. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Pale Assassin” © 2001 by James Bibby. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author and the author’s agent, Peake Associates.
“Nothing in the Rules” by Nelson Bond © 1943 by the McCall Corporation. First published in Blue Book, August 1943. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Nasty” © 1959 by Fredric Brown. First published in Playboy, April 1959. “Rope Trick” © 1959 by Fredric Brown. First published in Adam, May 1959. “The Ring of Hans Carvel” © 1961 by Fredric Brown. First published in Nightmares and Geezenstacks (New York: Bantam Books, 1961). Stories reprinted by permission of the author’s agent, the Scott Meredith Literary Agency.
“The Diplodocus” by Porter Emerson Browne. First published in The New Broadway Magazine, August 1908. Copyright expired in 1985.
“The Byrds” © 1983 by Michael G. Coney. First published in Changes edited by Michael Bishop and Ian Watson (New York: Ace Books, 1983). Reprinted by permission of the author and the author’s agent, the Dorian Literary Agency.
“Milord
Sir Smiht, the English Wizard” © 1975 by Avram Davidson. First published in The Enquiries of Doctor Esterhazy (New York: Warner Books, 1975). Reprinted by permission of Grania Davis.
“Math Takes a Holiday” © 2001 by Paul Di Filippo. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“You’ll Never Walk Alone” © 2001 by Scott Edelman. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Dragonet” © 1985 by Esther Friesner. First published in Amazing Stories, January 1986. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Gunsel and Gretel” © 2001 by Esther Friesner. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Mother Duck Strikes Again” © 1988 by Craig Shaw Gardner. First published as Chapter 2 of An Excess of Enchantments (New York: Ace Books, 1988). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“How Much Would You Pay?” © 2001 by Craig Shaw Gardner. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Strawhouse Pavilion” © 1969 by Ron Goulart. First published in Coven 13, January 1970. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Swords and the Stones” © 2001 by E.K. Grant. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author’s estate.
“A Case of Four Fingers” © 2001 by John Grant. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Touched by a Salesman” © 2001 by Tom Holt. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Attack of the Charlie Chaplins” © 1997 by Garry Kilworth. First published in New Worlds #222, edited by David Garnett (Clarkston: White Wolf Publishing, 1997). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Not Ours to See” © 1997 by David Langford. First published in The Fortune Teller, edited by Lawrence Schimel & Martin H. Greenberg (New York: DAW Books, 1997). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Caliber of the Sword” © 1999 by Larry Lawrence. First published on the Web in the e-zine Fantasy, Folklore and Fairytales, September 1999. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“‘Put Back That Universe!’” © 2000 by F. Gwynplaine MacIntyre. First: published in Analog, October 2000. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Fair-Weather Fiend” © 1990 by John Morressy. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, January 1991. Reprinted by permission of the author;s estate.
“Polly Put the Mockers On” © 2001 by Stan Nicholls. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Frog” © 2001 by Tina Rath. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Winds of Fate” © 2001 by Tony Rath. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Blackbird” © 1959 by Jack Sharkey. First published in Fantastic, September 1959. Reprinted by permission of Samuel French, Inc., agents for the author’s estate.
“Bad Day on Mount Olympus” © 2001 by Marilyn Todd. New story, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Queen’s Triplets” by Israel Zangwill, first published in The Idler, December 1892 and included in The King of Schnorrers (London: Heinemann, 1894). Copyright expired in 1977.
ANOTHER INTRODUCTION
Mike Ashley
I’m delighted to be able to compile a third volume of comic fantasy.
Oh hell, not another introduction!
What?
Who reads introductions, for God’s sake?
What do you mean?
People don’t want to read your waffle, they want to get on with the book.
But this is where I say what the book’s all about and what’s in it and thank people.
We know what the book’s about – you’ve already done two of them.
Yes, but . . .
Come on, cut the crap. Get on with it.
But I need to thank people.
Thank them on that acknowledgements page. No one reads that, either.
And what about revealing some of the hidden treasures here, like the rare stories and forgotten gems, and that there are thirteen brand new stories specially written for this book, and that we’ve got a mixture of . . .
We’ll find out. We’ll just read the book.
Yes, but, this is my only spot in the whole book . . .
Thank God for that. Right, I’ve had enough. I’m off to the first story. Who’s coming with me?
But there’s all that about my broad definition of fantasy, and something for all tastes, and all types of humour . . .
Goodbye!
Oh, go on then. Have fun. Don’t worry about me . . .
ATTACK OF THE CHARLIE CHAPLINS
Garry Kilworth
You might know Garry Kilworth better for his wonderful animal fantasies, such as Hunter’s Moon (1989) and Midnight’s Sun (1992). Or maybe his horror books, like Angel (1993) or Archangel (1994). Or his children’s books, The Wizard of Woodworld (1987) or The Rain Ghost (1989). Or his historical novels set in the Crimean War, starting with The Devil’s Own (1997) under the pen name Garry Douglas. Or–well, anyway, you get the picture. Garry Kilworth is prolific but his work is hard to define as he is always varied and original. So, although you might not automatically associate him with humorous fiction, it’s yet another of his many talents. Just sample the following.
SCENE 1
A subterranean bunker somewhere in South Dakota. Feverish activity is taking place within the confines of the bunker. In the centre of it all a middle-aged general is musing on the situation which unfolds before him.
Reports are coming out of Nebraska that the state is under attack from heavily armed men dressed as Charlie Chaplin. My first thought was that a right-wing group of anti-federal rebels was involved. It seemed they were using irony to make some kind of point. After all, Charlie was eventually ostracized to Switzerland for having communist sympathies.
As more accurate reports come in, however, it becomes apparent that these are not just men dressed as Charlie Chaplin, they are the real McCoy – they are he, so to speak.
“It’s clear,” says Colonel Cartwright, of Covert Readiness Action Policy, and the Army’s best scriptwriter, “that these are aliens. What we have here, General, is your actual alien invasion of Earth. Naturally they chose to conquer the United States first, because we’re the most powerful nation on the planet.”
“Why Nebraska, Colonel?” I ask. I am General Oliver J.J. Klipperman, by the way. You may have seen my right profile next to John Wayne’s in The Green Berets. I was told to look authoritative, point a finger in the direction of Da Nang, but on no account to turn round and face the camera. I have this tic in my left eye and apparently it distresses young audiences. “Nebraska isn’t exactly the most powerful state in the Union. Why not New York or Washington?”
Cartwright smiles at me grimly. “Look at your map, General. Nebraska is slap bang in the middle of this great country of ours. It has one of the smallest populations. You get more people on Fifth Avenue on Christmas Eve than live in Nebraska. You simply have to wipe out a small population and you control this country’s central state. Expand from there, outwards in all directions, and you have America. Once you have America, you have the world. It’s as easy as that.”
I nod. It all makes sense. Nebraska is the key to the control of the US of A. The aliens had seen that straightaway.
“What do we know about these creatures?” I ask next. “The President will expect me to sort out this unholy mess and I want to know who I’m killing when I go in with my boys.”
The colonel gives me another tight smile. “These creatures? Nothing. Zilch. But we have a trump card. We’ve been preparing for such an invasion for many, many years and our information is voluminous.”
“It is?” I say. “How come?”
“Hollywood and the Army connection,”
says the colonel. “Army money, personnel and expertise have been behind every alien invasion movie ever made.”
“It has?” I reply. “I mean, I knew we had fingers in Hollywood pies – I’ve been an extra in over a dozen war movies – but every alien invasion movie? Why?”
[Zoom in on colonel’s rugged features.]
“Training,” the colonel says, emphatically. “Preparation. If you cover every contingency, you don’t get surprised. We’ve been making films of alien invasions since the movie camera was first invented. We’ve covered every eventuality, every type of attack, from your sneaky fifth-column stuff such as Invasion of the Body Snatchers to outright blatant frontal war, such as Independence Day. We know what to do, General, because we’ve done it so many times before, on the silver screen. We know every move the shifty shape-changing bastards can make, because we’ve watched them in so many films. Alien, War of the Worlds, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, you name it, we’ve covered it. On film.” He pauses for a moment, before saying to himself, “That speech is a little long – I’ll have to think of some way of cutting it when we make the actual movie of this particular invasion.”
[Back to middle-distance shot.]
Something is bothering me. I put it into words.
“Weren’t they friendly aliens in Close Encounters?”
“No such thing, General. What about those poor guys, those pilots they beamed up from the Bermuda Triangle in December 1945? They kept them in limbo until their families were all dead and gone, then let ’em come back. Is that a friendly thing to do?”
“I guess not. So, Colonel, we’ve had all these exercises, albeit on celluloid, but what have we learned? What do you suggest we do with them?”
“Blast them to hell, General, begging your pardon. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that if you give ’em an inch, they’ll take a planet. They’ve got Nebraska. That’s almost an inch. We need to smash them before they go any further. Blow them to smithereens before they take Kansas, Iowa or Wyoming or, God forbid, South Dakota.”
I always err on the side of caution. That’s why I’m still a one-star general, I guess.
“But what do we actually know about these creatures? I mean, why come down here looking like Charlie Chaplin?”