The Mammoth Book of Seriously Comic Fantasy Read online

  The Mammoth Book of

  SERIOUSLY COMIC FANTASY

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  The Mammoth Book of

  SERIOUSLY COMIC FANTASY

  Edited by

  Mike Ashley

  ROBINSON

  London

  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  55–56 Russell Square

  London WC1B 4HP

  www.constablerobinson.com

  First published in the UK by Robinson Publishing 1999

  Reprinted 1999

  Collection and editorial material copyright © Mike Ashley 1999.

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication data is available from the British Library.

  ISBN 1-84119-089-6

  eISBN 978-1-4721-1490-7

  Printed and bound in the EC

  Cover painting by Julek Heller

  Cover design by Pete Rozycki

  CONTENTS

  Copyright and Acknowledgments

  INTRODUCTION: The Second Most Serious Page in This Book

  Mike Ashley

  NEANDER-TALE

  James P. Hogan

  UNCLE HENRY PASSES

  Esther Friesner

  A DEALING WITH DEMONS

  Craig Shaw Gardner

  THE CASE OF JACK THE CLIPPER

  David Langford

  A SHIVER OF ELVES

  THE SHOEMAKER AND THE ELVIS

  Lawrence Schimel

  DANCES WITH ELVES

  Cynthia Ward

  A HEDGE AGAINST ALCHEMY

  John Morressy

  A SLOW DAY IN HELL

  Julia S. Mandala

  TWO TALL TALES

  HOW I GOT THREE ZIP CODES

  Gene Wolfe

  THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL

  Ambrose Bierce

  THE BIRTHDAY GIFT

  Elisabeth Waters

  AN INTRUSION OF ALIENS

  CAPTAIN HONARIO HARPPLAYER, R.N.

  Harry Harrison

  THE ALIENS WHO KNEW, I MEAN, EVERYTHING

  George Alec Effinger

  HISTORY BOOK

  John Grant

  A DOUBLING OF DRAGONS

  ELIJAH P. JOPP AND THE DRAGON

  Archibald Marshall

  THE DRAGON DOCTOR’S APPRENTICE

  Charles Partington

  RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

  Molly Brown

  THE TRIUMPH OF VICE

  W. S. Gilbert

  SOME WISE ADVICE

  THE TOP 50 THINGS I’D DO IF I EVER BECAME AN EVIL OVERLORD

  Peter Anspach

  HOW TO BE FANTASTIC

  Elizabeth Counihan

  HERSHEY’S KISSES

  Ron Goulart

  ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE BEARS

  Tom Holt

  QUEST

  Sue Anderson

  THE HILLS BEHIND HOLLYWOOD HIGH

  Avram Davidson and Grania Davis

  THE AFFLICTION OF BARON HUMPFELHIMMEL

  John Kendrick Bangs

  A GAGGLE OF GANGSTERS

  THE CASE OF THE FOUR AND TWENTY BLACKBIRDS

  Neil Gaiman

  THE MAN WHO HATED CADILLACS

  E. K. Grant

  THE ULTIMATE

  Seamus Cullen

  A FANCY OF FAIRY TALES

  THE STAR OF THE FARMYARD

  Terry Jones

  DIAMONDS – BLACK AND WHITE

  Anthony Armstrong

  AN INKLING OF IMPS

  MALOCCHIO

  Eliot Fintushel

  THE METROGNOME

  Alan Dean Foster

  THE EYE OF TANDYLA

  L. Sprague de Camp

  THE OUTPOST UNDISCOVERED BY TOURISTS

  Harlan Ellison

  COPYRIGHT AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  All of the stories are copyright in the name of the individual authors as follows. Every effort has been made to trace the holders of copyright. In the event of any inadvertent transgression of copyright the editor would like to hear from the author or their representative via the publisher.

  “Quest” © 1999 by Susan Anderson. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.

  “The Top 50 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord” © 1996–7 by Peter Anspach. First published on the Internet at www.eviloverlord.com. Edited for publication. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “Diamonds – Black and White” © 1932 by Anthony Armstrong. Reprinted from The Prince Who Hiccupped and Other Tales (London: Ernest Benn, 1932). Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.

  “The Affliction of Baron Humpfelhimmel” by John Kendrick Bangs. Reprinted from Over the Plum-Pudding (New York: Harper’s, 1901). Copyright expired in 1973.

  “The Failure of Hope & Wandel” by Ambrose Bierce, first published in Fun, 5 September 1874. Copyright expired in 1964.

  “Rules of Engagement” © 1995 by Molly Brown. First published in Substance Magazine, Autumn 1995. Slightly revised for this printing. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “How To Be Fantastic” © 1995 by Elizabeth Counihan. First published in Scheherazade #12, August 1995. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The Ultimate” © 1986, 1999 by Seamus Cullen. Extensively revised from an episode originally published in The Sultan’s Turret (London: Orbit Books, 1986). This version, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.

  “The Hills behind Hollywood High” © 1983 by Avram Davidson and Grania Davis. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, April 1983. Reprinted by permission of Grania Davis.
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  “The Eye of Tandyla” © 1951 by L. Sprague de Camp. First published in Fantastic Adventures, May 1951. Reprinted by permission of the author and the author’s agent, Spectrum Literary Agency.

  “The Aliens Who Knew, I Mean, Everything” © 1984 by George Alec Effinger. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, October 1984. Reprinted by permission of Richard Curtis Associates on behalf of the author’s estate.

  “The Outpost Undiscovered by Tourists” © 1981 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, January 1982. Reprinted by arrangement with, and permission of, the author and the author’s agent, Richard Curtis Associates, Inc., New York. All rights reserved.

  “Malocchio” © 1999 by Eliot Fintushel. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author’s agent, Linn Prentis.

  “The Metrognome” © 1990 by Thranx, Inc. First published in The Metrognome and Other Stories (New York: Del Rey Books, 1990). Reprinted by permission of the author and the author’s agent, the Virginia Kidd Agency.

  “Uncle Henry Passes” © 1999 by Esther Friesner. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.

  “The Case of the Four and Twenty Blackbirds” © 1984 by Neil Gaiman. First published in Knave. Reprinted in Angels and Visitations (Minneapolis: DreamHaven Books, 1993). Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “A Dealing with Demons” © 1981 by Craig Shaw Gardner. First published in Flashing Swords! #5: Demons and Daggers (New York: Dell Books, 1981). Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The Triumph of Vice” by W. S. Gilbert, first published in The Savage Club Papers (London: 1867). Copyright expired in 1962.

  “Hershey’s Kisses” © 1991 by Ron Goulart. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, January 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The Man Who Hated Cadillacs” © 1999 by E. K. Grant. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.

  “History Book” © 1994, 1999 by John Grant. First published in a limited-edition chapbook as History Book – A Thog the Mighty Text (1994) and then, revised, in sections in The Rotting Land (1994) as by Joe Dever and John Grant. Further extensive revisions by the author for this publication.

  “Captain Honario Harpplayer, R.N.” © 1963 by Harry Harrison. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, March 1963. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.

  “Neander-Tale” © 1980 by James P. Hogan. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, December 1980. Reprinted by permission of the Spectrum Literary Agency on behalf of the author’s estate.

  “Escape from the Planet of the Bears” © 1999 by Tom Holt. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.

  “The Star of the Farmyard” © 1992 by Terry Jones. First published in Fantastic Stories (London: Pavilion Books, 1992). Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The Case of Jack the Clipper” © 1997 by David Langford. First published in Interzone, December 1997. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “A Slow Day in Hell” © 1997 by Julia S. Mandate. First published in Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Fantasy Magazine, Summer 1997. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “Elijah P. Jopp and the Dragon” by Archibald Marshall, first published in The Royal Magazine, November 1898. Copyright expired in 1985.

  “A Hedge against Alchemy” © 1981 by John Morressy. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, April 1981. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.

  “The Dragon Doctor’s Apprentice” © 1999 by Charles Partington. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author and the author’s agent, Dorian Literary Agency.

  “The Shoemaker and the Elvis” © 1997 by Lawrence Schimel. First published in Elf Magic, edited by Martin H. Greenberg (New York: DAW Books, 1997): Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “Dances with Elves” © 1995 by Cynthia Ward. First published in Galaxy, March/April 1995. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The Birthday Gift” © 1992 by Elisabeth Waters. First published in Sword & Sorceress IX, edited by Marion Zimmer Bradley (New York: DAW Books, 1992): Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “How I Got Three Zip Codes” © 1999 by Gene Wolfe. Original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author’s agent, Virginia Kidd Literary Agency.

  INTRODUCTION:

  The Second Most Serious Page in This Book

  Mike Ashley

  I’m delighted to be able to compile a second volume of comic fantasy. As before, in The Mammoth Book of Comic Fantasy, there is a blend of old and new. There are thirty-four stories, eight of which are being published here for the first time. Most of the others have long been out of print, or available only in small-circulation magazines, and I believe most of them will be new to you.

  I’ve kept my definition of fantasy broad, so you will find some stories that drift towards science fiction and others that defy definition entirely. I need only point you in the direction of “How I Got Three Zip Codes” by Gene Wolfe, “Uncle Henry Passes” by Esther Friesner and “The Eye of Tandyla” by L. Sprague de Camp to give you an idea of the diversity of fiction you will find here. As before, I have tried to alternate fantasies set in other worlds with fantasies set in this world, and I’ve also grouped together pairings of stories where there is some common thread.

  The purpose of all of these stories is to entertain you and make you laugh. As I said in my introduction to the earlier volume, not everyone’s sense of humour is the same, and that’s another reason for the diversity presented here. I have tried to find something for everyone. Just about all of these stories made me laugh out loud at some point, and even those that didn’t made me think about them many times afterwards, usually bringing a smile to my face.

  Have fun.

  Mike Ashley

  NEANDER-TALE

  James P. Hogan

  James Hogan (1941-2010) was better known for his hard science fiction, especially the Minervan sequence which started with Inherit the Stars (1977). But the following story shows that, when he chooses, he could take the mickey out of scientists – or the rest of humankind for that matter.

  “Artificial fire!? Waddya mean ‘artificial fire’? What the hell is artificial fire?” Ug scowled down from beneath heavy close-knit Neanderthal brows at the tangle-haired, bearskin-clad figure squatting in front of him. Og was leaning forward to peer intently into the pile of sticks and twigs that he had built between two stones in the clearing where the trail from the stream widened on its way up towards the rock terrace fronting the caves. He seemed unperturbed by Ug’s pugnacious tone; Ug was standing with his club still slung across his shoulder, which meant that, for once, he was not in a trouble-making mood that day.

  “It’s the same as you get when lightning hits a tree,” Og replied cheerfully as he began rubbing two sticks vigorously together in the handful of moss which he had placed underneath the twigs. “Only this way you don’t need the lightning.”

  “You’re crazy,” Ug declared bluntly.

  “You’ll see. Just stand there a couple of seconds longer and then tell me again that I’m crazy.”

  A wisp of smoke puffed out from the moss and turned into a blossom of flame which quickly leaped up through the twigs and engulfed the pile. Og straightened up with a satisfied grunt while Ug emitted a startled shriek and jumped backwards, at the same time hurriedly unslinging his club.

  “Now tell me again that I’m crazy,” Og invited.

  Ug’s gasp was a mixture of terror, awe and incredulity.

  “Holy sabre-cats, don’t you know that stuff’s dangerous? It can take out a whole block of the forest in the dry season. Get rid of it for chrissakes, willya!”

  “It’s okay between those rocks. Anyhow, I don’t want to get rid of it. I was wondering if we could figure out how to use it for something.”

/>   “Like what?” Ug continued to stare nervously at the crackling pile and kept himself at a safe distance. “What could anybody do with it, besides get hurt?”

  “I don’t know. All kinds of things . . .” Og frowned and scratched his chin. “For instance, maybe we wouldn’t have to kick people out of the caves and make them trek a half-mile down to where the hot springs are whenever they start to smell bad.”

  “How else are they gonna clean up?”

  “Well, I was thinking . . . maybe we could use this to make our own hot water right there in the caves and save all the hassle. Think what a difference that would make to the girls. They wouldn’t –”

  “WHAT!” Ug cut him off with a shout that echoed back from the rocks above. “You wanna take that stuff inside the caves? You are crazy! Are you trying to get us all killed? Even the mammoths take off like bats outa hell if they catch so much as a whiff of that stuff. Anyhow, how could you make water hot with it? It’d burn through the skins.”

  “So you don’t put it in skins. You put it in something else . . . something that won’t burn.”

  “Such as what?”

  “Hell, I don’t know yet,” Og yelled, at last losing his patience. “It’s a brand new technology. Maybe some kind of stone stuff . . .”

  The sounds of running feet and jabbering voices from just around the bend in the trail above interrupted them. A few moments later Ag, the Vice-Chief, rushed into the clearing, closely followed by about twenty of the tribespeople.

  “What’s going on down here?” Ag demanded. “We heard shouting . . . ARGH! FIRE! There’s fire in the valley. FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES! FIRE IN THE VALLEY!” The rest took up the cry and plunged back into the undergrowth in all directions. The trees all around reverberated with the sounds of colliding bodies and muffled curses, while Og continued to stare happily at his creation and Ug watched nervously from a few paces back. Then silence descended. After a while bearded faces began popping one by one out of the greenery on all sides. Ag re-emerged from behind a bush and approached warily.

  “What’s this?” he enquired, looking from Ug to Og and back again. “There hasn’t been a storm for weeks. Where did that come from?”

  “Og made it,” Ug told him.